Love itself....#45

Your cryptic messages were rather obscure last night -one reads cryptograms  according one`s own translation. Which probably is a good thing--however rather a dangerous thing. But I took the plunge, and I knew the consequences.

In this short time --that I have known the writings of Merton I have learnt much. Perhaps-one gets attracted to people of kin, thus he is. The truth is my knowledge of him is limited,--but I hope to know more.

Why? because----I forget where and when he says this;  but I remember the most important part where he says:

If you love someone you do not try and keep them by saying the words, things they want to hear. But you tell them what is in your heart, telling them anything else is a lie --for keeping them under other terms is not love but attachment for the wrong reasons. Love fears not, is honest, truthful and hears the other--no matter what, and love is not weakened  but strengthened by hearing the other side.

The truth is--I am not enchanted by Indigo, never was--he is not the one I am in love with--but Oliver. The gentle spirit, the one who is compassionate, loving and has heart-lives within God. He is intelligent, wise and knows gentleness and love. Often when you sign your letters as"Indigo" it frightens me and my heart is filled with dread, though, "Lucien" is even worse.

You don`t have to agree regarding things I say or do, but neither do I. It does not mean we don`t love each other --or we love each other less. So last night -I have said what I wanted to say truthfully--if you leave for this, or for things I say from the heart, out of love--the so be it. Then one needs a "yes" man--to satisfy one`s ego--not true love. Often when I don`t hear from you for days--I read and re-read my cards, letters as to what I have perhaps said--. That is an awful restraint you put on me. I can`t say what I feel--? Why? If you really love me I can say anything freely--as you can also to me. Otherwise--we are playing games.

Often I feel I say, do things that you interpret differently as to that which was really intended--and then you are silent. Then I feel awful. Why do I have to feel bad when I love you so--and say my mind? To walk on rice paper? Say exactly what I feel? To be afraid that I shall never hear from you? That is not love on equal terms, but on your terms.

Even now I know you are there--you opened my card yet you are silent. Are you punishing me? Well--no. If  that is what you chose so be it--I have no "mea culpas" to chant-I have and always loved you with all your "quirks and quarks"--why can`t you love me with mine? Not one instance did I ever hurt you intentionally. Why would I when I love you so? Maybe I have, as you have, as we are human. But not intentionally--ever.

So having said all this --know one thing: from here on I shall say all that I feel, think and want. I expect nothing less from you--well, that is you are still here tomorrow--otherwise it wasn`r real anyway. Was it? Then it is not worth shedding one tear over--for love went out the door, as love itself is gone. Do I feel bad? Yes. But--not really, for I am telling you my heart. And I am not writing you an other word, until I hear from you. But before you decide, think about it- Do I love totally, completely  you or not? The answer lies in your heart.

The thing is I am saddened by your silence tonight--. thus must it be? It must be.

 

“Our thought should not merely be an answer to what someone else has just said. Or what someone else might have said. Our interior world must be more than an echo of the words of someone else. There is no point in being a moon to somebody else's sun, still less is there any justification for our being moons of one another, and hence darkness to one another, not one of us being a true sun.”
  Thomas Merton