Good Friday/?--faith.

 

Hi there Cicu:

As I was reflecting on Our Lord and His Passions, I wondered about a few things. His whole life seemed to play out in my mind, especially as He was completely human in all aspects--well according to the articles of faith. --which and who`s faith you may well ask--well mine...:) This was the scenario in my mind and heart.

Being the time of Pesach it was the norm to get together for the family meal as the Lord had instructed the Israelites. Jesus and His apostles got together in the upper room to celebrate it. I got to thinking. Where was Mary -His mother at this time? Why was She not at the side of Her son the last night? She knew well Jesus and the political situation. So where was She? Home roasting the Passover lamb? Why?  Did She not believe? Was She not told by Jesus--if not why not if He was sure? Was He certain about his death the next day? I wonder and muse over these voluminous never ending questions.

Mary-Magdalen was there, and so were the 12. Did they actually believe Him that He was going to die as He was washing their feet? That this was the last day of His life? Or did they have doubts? Probably did. Did He, Jesus have doubts as he was the breaking bread, pouring out the wine? He was fully human, so was He actually aware fully of His divinity, or like the rest of us had doubts--even a little? Or was His faith so strong as to fully believe and trust God--that He was actually God in the flesh Himself? No, he never actually said that He was God, the others did--. I am sure the apostles didn`t quite all believe totally. They were, as an evangelical minister  put it in precise terms the other day--:`they were practising atheists most of the time`-when Peter sank in the lake after a few steps when Jesus told him to walk. His faith wasn`t deep enough, strong enough nor complete enough.

How many of us has the faith? I mean totally? Completely without a shred of a doubt? I think sweetheart that is also the point with you. You love God far too much, far too deeply, far too encompassingly(is there such a word?) , far too passionately and your humanity gets in the way. I love you, you love me--but then the question arises--Can we then love God totally? Or are we sort of fractionated from the essence of God ? Sort of be in the way of each other, instead of being stronger in unity, singularity seems more of a case for you, for us--thus you clear the way by locking me out--well out of your daily life anyway.

But is your faith now deeper? Are you closer to your God? As you said in your `consecration letter`--you played the game. You felt no different, yet you said somethings had definitely changed. What was that? So what game is that if you have faith in Her? You said you love Her entirely, --completely, She is God/Goddess, love Her within/without  all Her animations--from alpha to omega, all rolled into one then you said-----`but!!`-- what does the` but` mean? Is it always the same or does it change? How does spirit work? Is it by total extrication from life? Or do we become more spiritually aware through our experiences of life? Or why are we here being actually human anyway? I dare you to think about these questions and face yourself in the mirror and say with full conviction to yourself ;`Yes,  I have the  faith`--like Judas did. Mmm, I don`t know. I know I can`t.

 You can`t seem to get over this huge boulder, this mega wall, this human concept of `being in form`so to speak--and above all having a mind to hoot, able to think. What a bummer. The one gift we were given when we were  thrown out of that garden--free will, the ego itself. That was a curse--that was the payment of the so called `sin` from the Lord. No, it was no gift. Lucifer knew it also far too well.

One day you are in total union with God, with The Lord, with Our Lady, the next day you are a totally committed practising atheist. Thus arise the dichotomy,-- our duality. Our damned humanity at play--or rather our ego at work. Believe me I am just the same--never mind same, far worse than you. You always said,`your faith is so deep`--please give me a break. My faith? You are more like Judas than I ever will be--he had the faith. The only human ever who actually had it and got the message. But then was he human at all?--

Now, many saint I know had doubts. Most of them were these `warriors of self ` much of their lives. How is one to overcome this? Through suffering like St Therese whom you always quote? Though self punishment? Will that make us to be more `in faith` so to speak. Or we are just groping like a blind man in the dark?  Throwing all at it and see what sticks? We say we are true believers in our God, in the Resurrection, next life--any life, but we really don`t.--do we? How can we erase, eradicate that minuscule doubt, at times as huge as mountains.

Maybe the one`s who are totally unaware, unawakened have a better time living life happily. Yep--as they say `ignorance is bliss`--or rather `blessed are the ignorant for they shall see God`--now that is the true gift if I do say so myself. No need to think, no need to wonder no need to ponder no need to suffer and just live in ignorant grandiose bliss. Now how great is that? Those who don`t question, wonder or meditate upon this question of existence are the blessed ones.  But then I wonder if there are such people at all? I see them --however one cannot see the heart. Can we? We all think we are different, yet we are all the same--intertwined, interconnected to the whole. As I keep saying, parts of God-divine. Then I ask-What divinity anyway? Where is it? It`s like hope--has left the building.  Then why do we wonder?

It all sounds great and wonderful to be pious, to be holy to have faith that one could die for like the martyrs--but who has that? Even those martyrs at times were probably walking in the same moccasins only the time got caught up with them and they were killed--martyred. But maybe had it been perhaps a Friday instead of a Monday when they were taken away, then they may not have chosen to die for their faith--would have lost the faith momentarily. But lost it nonetheless.

Wasn`t Jesus saying the same thing to Peter when he swore eternal loyalty to Him--and then Jesus said that before the cock crows he will  have denied even knowing Him, even more than once--can`t think whether the cock crowing 3 times, or he denying Jesus 3 times, or both--anyway you know the text backwards..:). Yes, it is a human thing. Isn`t it the same in all walks of life, within our families, within love itself. We swear up and down the Bible, and then within the next moment practically all flies out the window. Look at relationships, marriages, children--us for God`s sake. It is our damn humanity, our frail mental capacity, our own ignorant egoic self that is weak, inefficient, stupid, stubborn and that is which spells the death of our very soul.

How can we defeat this? Did Jesus? What was He agonising over in the Garden of Gethsemane? Why was He sweating blood if He was so sure?  Even He openly questioned at the last minute of His death with the words: `Father why have You forsaken Me?` Wasn`t that doubt? Yes, and He did hang on that cross for a long while--, your favourite, the 12 Station, --being entirely, fully  human. Was he saved or wasn`t He? Not in those moments He wasn`t. He even spent 3 days in a cold dark tomb--Was that necessary? Why? Yes, the 12 th Station is what gives you peace--to me, well, not really.  And then there is Mary-Magdalen. She didn`t even recognise Him after the Resurrection. Where was Her faith even though She was in love with Him?

The truth of the matter is the only one in the whole crowd around Jesus was Judas Iscariot--he truly totally, completely believed in Jesus. He was the only believer, the only one with faith--huge faith. He was the only one who believed every word that Jesus ever spoke, in all that He did and what was to come--the Resurrection. He would have seen, but killed himself before he saw how right he was. Out of 7 billion people I can with an open heart say, that Judas was the entire one in the whole human race--up to this point in time who got it. Think about them apples. Well, I know you know all of these things better than anyone, but I feel better in expressing it to you. Others think I am crazy if I state such facts--Yep,crazy is  probably right.

Also he would have seen  that he was the mover and the shaker within the whole process, and that is why he, Judas was the one that Jesus loved the most. It was Judas to whom Jesus said to do what he had to do--for He knew Judas` faith, was clear about his deep love for Him.  Jesus knew that Judas would do anything for Him, thus he did. No, it was not for the 30 pieces of silver that he betrayed Jesus, it was for his strong faith. He was convinced Jesus would not die--the only problematic thing that got in his way  was that  he was thinking with a human head and a human heart, not the divine one. They had the deepest love that ever existed between God and man. That what we should always have as an example in front of our eyes. Their love for each other, as our God loves us--but we find this so hard to do. He, Judas had it all--.

Yes, Jesus and Judas--They were--I am sure are twin souls.

So, cicu--the thing is we shall never escape the fate no matter how we try, even if we live thousands more life times, just a human thing is a bloody curse. We can`t be angry at God, fight with the Lord for we are responsible for the whole thing our very selves. We dunnit--and keep doing it. Hard to be human? It is a mega-curse at times, this free will thingy. Something to muse over this Easter season--We will have an other chat sometime maybe.

Hope you are well, and Your mother --and the rest of the family--Sending you love, kisses and wishing that you find peace within your heart; and all the  blessings of Our Lady may She keep you safe. You are constantly in my prayers--You so deserve to be happy.

I love you,