`Thou shalt only love completely your other half for a short period of earthly time, only till the two half souls are completely fused into one--then forward onto greater things, together, however in spirit only`.
Now, how do you like them commandment?
A few days ago I decided to re-visit all your correspondence.The letters, cards, pictures, notes and all else. Up to this point I have had not the energy soul-wise, spirit-wise or even physically to read even a word or look at your face. It just tore my soul into even more pieces than it already was and I thought that my shattered heart would never recuperate. Every thought of you brought me to tears. I put away every little single reminder of you into the deepest, darkest places in my cupboard. And there are many I have to confess. The only thing that remained with me always, is your `rainbow angel`. She resides with my rosary in a little silk box in my handbag, or at times in my car. Never am without her.Maybe she was the one who saved me from death in the accident. The ring regretfully, is sleeping in deep slumber at the bottom of Lake Ontario, with a note--the words contained therein a secret.
The daily prayers for you and I have never ceased. That is a given. I prayed fervently that I could have this pain torn out, ripped from my heart which I was experiencing, She didn`t oblige. But I think secretly, I have to admit, I didn`t want Her to. How can you ever un-love an other? Though I never thought we would ever break up, but secretly I knew for our love was far too intense, and I always said God will not allow that. And God did not!
I haven`t written a single word, apart from those few sarcastic ones on your reiki site. I am truly sorry about that. I haven`t had the heart even to look at your introduction page on your site, and I have to admit I am in no way a member. I lied about that also. It was all truly uncalled for, an unholy mess.
Yes, we were in a very bad accident, well like you when you totaled your car, remember? We almost died. My mom broke four vertebra ---She is much better now, has PTSS. But still has lots of problems. I broke my sternum and other things--long story--but I am also fine now. I was a mess for a while.
No, I was never in Chicago either, though my niece is living there, she is getting married December 12 this year. I still don`t have a passport, so I don`t know if I shall go. Neither do I or did I ever have an other man beside you--you see for me we were truly wedded. Whether you were lying in bed with me every night, or you were living on Rigel. A commitment for me is a commitment. Thus was in my other marriage also. All this I am sure would sound weird to many, but then, we are strange--aren`t we? two of a kind. No wonder we are twin-souls. Dragons in fact :) from out yonder. We probably simply dreamed each other into existence.
The thing though is I was never was ever angry, I swear on my life, at you. I had wished to have hated you, I just couldn`t. For this I was actually mad at my own very self. I wish I could have been furious and vindictive, I couldn`t. It would have been so much easier. However, real love is what Corinthians says. Thus is the universal law.
I also know what nasty letters I wrote, of which I never meant a word. Also letters that were untrue, simply lies, just wanting to hurt and wound you in any way I could. I was so very hurt, felt wounded, neglected and felt I was put aside. That was very selfish of me, as I know what difficult times you were going through. Yet, I did it anyway. I know what I did. I am so very, very sorry. I have never behaved the way I did ever with a living soul, I swear on Our Lady`s life. And all in the name of love--I ask you, how is this possible?
Thus is life these days. I miss you like crazy and probably love you more deeply than before, if that is at all possible. I shall die loving you. But this letter is not about the past, but the present. Maybe we were Buddhist in a past life---Mmm?
So, now I have decided to put into a blog most of your notes/cards sent to me, not all as it would be a monumental task, as there are far too many, and all I have are the hard copies, as twice two computers have totally crashed with everything in it. I will do maybe 150/200 or so.Thus I am re writing each, exactly, even trying to match them up with similar images. Not the letters.
I also have a plan for my notes/cards as well, when I get fished with your ones first. I started on the 3rdMarch, I have already done about 60 or more, thus my nightly Rumi work is cut out for me. When it is finished, let me know if you want to read them, or if not, that is fine also. I am sure you have my ones, but I doubt, though I maybe wrong, the one`s you sent to me. Maybe you do.
So I have now two blog sites, one for your notes/ rather card and an other just thoughts of me/us, and about the now. I started that about 10 days ago or so, I already have 87 entries, some taken from what was left in my computer from the past, and new things. There is nothing real personal about you or I that I would not be proud of, neither will anyone know who we are--only first names. Plus who the hell would be interested anyway? No great Illuminati secrets--thought I should have all my documents in order before 21 December---:). This letter is being written on my blog site. If you want access, to either or both ones, let me know. No, you don`t have to correspond with me.
And no darling, this is all about the present! The past is but a memory, yes, living. However a memory still. Hope you are well and your life is happy and filled with the light of Our Lady. I wish you a wonderful peaceful life that you so rightly deserve, the world is a better place because of you. Thank you for all the love you have given me and the joy, can never repay you for that.....and remember you are always loved. Just think of me and I shall be there. Really don`t feel obliged to respond if you so feel. I truly do understand--I know and feel more than you know.
with undying love and affection,
Suzie
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