Dark days

Yeah-I am back -not in the greatest of psychological of mood. Not one of my most uplifting post deserving the "Pulitzer Prize". But I think human life, behavior goes through in cycles-as does all things in life. Often we have no explanation on a conscious level why we feel the way we do. It isn`t that our life is bad or things are going wrong, or we are not being loved. I am loved , yet these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks at the most unexpected times. 

Some will call it as “just being human”-going though the valleys and peaks of life-or rather the dark and the light, and those days nothing makes us feel better. Some turn to alcohol, drugs or simply end their misery of the moment by stepping out of life.

I really cannot complain about my life. I am ok in every way, and I am loved deeply-which makes a tremendous difference for the spirit-but some things cannot be explained. It is like a dark cloud that creeps over one`s heart-and only time changes it-if at best. We feel just horrible in body, mind and spirit. Nothing seems to make us feel better-and we are in the throes of deep darkness.

Some people like to talk about it-I don`t. I prefer to keep everything to myself, in fact talking about it makes me feel worse. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands-but I feel I am busy and live a full and rich life, yet I get into these “funks”-which often is triggered by other people. I worry much about others, more than I do about myself-and then I go downhill and I am of no help to anyone; especially myself. No one knows this, as I project a very strong character, but meanwhile I feel miserable. Then I also revisit all kinds of issues that caused me pain, or at time pleasure, but both cause the exact same reaction in me-a most devastating experience.

The problem with these times is that one feels lost, hopeless and in the depth of darkness-without demonstrable reason. I have no reason to feel like this. Then come all the thought from the past-like demons haunting  the heart. Questions, questions with no possible answers. This is often called the “dark night of the soul” and it is I am sure strictly a human response. Psychiatrist will say –it is all simply a chemical imbalance, but I tend to think it has a totally different reason.

I think that at times when the spirit is low, one tends to peer behind the veil-and go  deeper and seek answers from one`s psyche. Through this exercise we realizes that, this life is just like a “dream”-temporary, and that we are completely disconnected from our true nature, our true origin. This idea bleeds through and makes us remember, and causes deeps sadness of wanting to return to where we originated from, where we were in total bliss-and feel the deep desire to return home. Where we felt safe and happy beyond measure.

Some drugs-especially the psychedelics-gives us some glimpse into what “was”-it is not just the function of an overactive imagination, brain chemistry due to the misfiring of the neurons of the brain. There is an actual window through which we are able to look through, and remember briefly of out heritage and true home.

As for  what these episodes tell us-they simply demonstrate at this is not our true home, it is fleeting, it is temporary-yet, we fight so hard for it-in fact , how ironic:"to death". Anyone of a certain age can look back-and realize that childhood was a breath away, so was our youth and the years go by so quickly that one cannot keep up with its passage-and we fight so hard for it. Yet-all is very temporary-then comes the question: is all this fight worth it? Is all the struggle for a specific reason? We know nothing-perhaps it is the universal truth that:” dust thou art and dust shalt thou be”. But then why the struggle?  Why cling to life when one knows the outcome.

Modern man

There is so very much information that one can have access to these days just by a click. I remember when I was in university, one went to the library in the morning and whatever research needed to be done was done then- finding the books and finding the answers took hours. Now-we have everything at our fingertips, on our iphone. We cannot take a step without it-if we leave it at home we feel totally lost. We can choose what we want to learn about, all that was a mystery in the past. Sure, the computer is almost a magical machine that can  transport us anywhere in our imagination-but is it really? Or is it something that is has its “yin/yang component?” Its dark and light side?

I have learnt about many things, delved into many things-but I find the more I learn, the less I know for it just puts us onto a road of more inquiry. To many things there are no answers, and that is very frustrating for the human mind. We seek answers, and often all we find are human theories coming forth from human minds. I have explored many ideas, philosophies and view points. But in truth I am no closer to understanding creation, nor myself at all-and very much has seeped out from my mind-as the statement “if you don`t use it, you lose it” is a very real phenomena.

I wonder if we are more wise, spiritually more enlightened then the “yogi” who meditates in a loin cloth on the banks of the Ganges? Are we more holy than perhaps Mother Teresa was ? Or the various saints who didn`t even have access to books?  Where did Jesus` ideas, knowledge come from? Certainly not from the internet-but from deep within that place where the “divine spark” dwells.  Perhaps he did study in some monastery in the east with enlightened Buddhist monks-but again their knowledge came through spirit, and from spirit.

So, now the question is-has all this knowledge floating out there made us better human beings more empathic, more compassionate, more loving towards each other? No. We still have war, hunger, strife and disease. A large part of the planet is surviving on a dollar or two a day-yet we squander money, food , water like there was no tomorrow in the west-yet people die from basic want each moment. Yes-we are responsible, for we know better, but we don`t care-that is the mortal sin.We just talk, talk, talk and demonstrate and accomplish nothing of importance.

We-the so called “civilized ones” look down upon others who are much more advanced spiritually than we are, for we judge people according to “the have and have not” philosophy.  The material does not create, it has a more destructive power to it, for it corrupts-only a very few are able use it positively for the benefit of generating good, for the benefit  of the planet.

Having all that knowledge at our finger tips is only of value if we use it for the good of all-we are all connected and what we do to others we do unto ourselves, so says may ancient spiritual texts. Yet, we don`t listen to our own soul`s whisperings, and because of that happiness, peace, tranquility, joy escape us. We may have all the material stuff, but we are empty, hollow vessels chasing  “the more want”-that never ever gets satisfied, in fact it creates more “want” becoming an addiction.  I remember reading an old Chinese proverb when I was about fifteen: “ The feeling of happiness does not lie in possessions or in gold, the feeling of happiness lies in the soul”, we tend to forget this. We get seduced so easily by all that gold.

So are we more fulfilled, with all the knowledge, with being members of the social media? Most everything that is happening to us is mostly online in cyberspace-we are loosing the human touch, the human connections are becoming less and less binding. Our lives consist of  tweets, instagram and its various, numerous forms of  internet expressions. We are becoming more and more like machines, losing all that which makes us human. Are we then better off than we were a century ago? I wonder. What happens to a tree that looses its roots? We are that tree.

Forgiveness

“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone like us to come along - people who will appreciate our compassion, our encouragement, who will need our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. It is overwhelming to consider the numerous opportunities there are to make our love felt-and always forgive.

–Leo Buscaglia 

Not forgiving the past can cause us enormous physical, mental and emotional upheaval.  It is essential to forgive for our health and well-being, for negative emotions have serious consequences in the form of disease.  Not only do we need to forgive others but also ourselves. For all the times we have been angry at ourselves for not doing the right thing, for failing, for all the ways we feel disappointment in unmet goals and so many other things.

Forgiveness is a choice, one which we would be wise to make, for in every circumstance no matter how difficult or justified, the willingness to determine our own freedom from suffering is ours to initiate. So how do we go about forgiving? First we must understand what it means. Many of us do not forgive because we misunderstand what it truly means.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone what was done. It does not mean that we forget what was done. However we need to remember so that we do not let it happen again. It does not mean that we have to reconcile with the person we are forgiving. We do not have to remain in contact with the person who has hurt us and can continue to hurt us.

Forgiveness does not depend on an apology from the other or that they change their ways, otherwise they will continue to hold power over us indefinitely. Neither does forgiveness is recognizing the suffering of the past, the understanding of what brought about the act of the other person. This is usually ignorance. Someone who has not healed their own pain, and consciously or unconsciously acts in the same way to hurt another.

Forgiveness is recognizing that we are sharing in the burden of the cosmic pain. We can choose to meet our pain with joy. Forgiveness is about creating peace of mind for ourselves where we can heal the past and begin to trust others and ourselves again. Without forgiveness we perpetuate the illusion that grudges can heal our pain or change the past for the better.

Forgiveness takes courage, clarity and compassion, it does not come easily nor does it happen quickly. Some people say forgive and forget, but it is not so superficial. It is a process that goes through many stages. We will be going through grief over our losses, anger, and sadness over our pain.   When we eventually make the choice to forgive,  we release the clutches of the past and let love enter our hearts again. We soften our bodies, our minds and our emotions. It is a process that we have to do over and over again until we can truly let go and become free of suffering.

Authentic me

I find it comforting to believe that there is a force within me perpetually guiding me toward what is best for me…and for the world. This inner voice is a guide to self-healing, self-knowledge, and fulfillment. It is within all of us, once the heart is stilled, it can be heard real loud-just listen.

The beauty of this voice, this inner teacher, my higher self-is that it reminds me, at any moment I care to listen, that I am perfect as I am, I am awesome; that I need not struggle, and that by letting go of the image of the person I would like to be and by surrendering to who I am, I can stop acting and I can begin living. And, yes- I love myself.

Disappointments

No matter how well we know how to give advice, know the psychology behind events in life, we often need help ourselves. We need a perspective that is from a distance, more often than not we are far too close to the situations affecting us. Generally we are far too busy feeling sorry for our selves-“the poor me complex”, makes us feel a little better temporarily, especially when people agree with us. Makes us feel we are right, and the other person was wrong. Not so.  All events in life that turn up have a reason to do so, that is how we need to approach it-they are all reflections of ourselves and what we need to learn most. Be that  huge events, or simply a slight nudge from a minor situations. Everything is in perfect synchronicity-even if to us it seems chaotic.

The funny thing or rather the universal truth about this is that once we face it head on, one sees it in a different light and miraculously we see things that were in our blind which are the actual reasons for the event. No event is life is there to punish us-we just feel wounded and the reaction we experience makes us feel negative and dark, yet it is often a circumstance to lead us more into the light.

We all have disappointments in life, then we beat ourselves up about it and tell ourselves different stories- “we are not good enough, we are undeserving, we are worthless, we are not OK, we messed up” and by doing this we make the situation even worse, instead of accepting it all, giving it voice and allowing to be set free. Only then do the different experiences open up to us like a doorway to different future situations, leading into something else-often something greater and more valuable than before. If this is the way we look at things, then each disappointment is really an exciting opportunity in life.

We love to play “the blame game”, however that is strictly a way to divert the light from ourselves, for we are all responsible for our own story-nobody makes us do things, we just do it to ourselves. So if things go wrong  accept it, analyze it, and move on-learning the lesson that was in it.  We cannot change people, all we can do is change ourselves-and the anger, the frustration, the disappointment has no place in the situations any more. The sooner we realize this, the better for it is simply a waste of energy that can be spent elsewhere in more positive channels . Remember you are never a victim-you always have a choice.

All this now in plain English-face the situation, realize that life will go on and that you are “ok”-let things go, do a spring cleaning of your life. Eraze the negativity connected to the situation, bless it and allow it to leave-don`t revisit it. Life has so much more to offer, it is a waste of time and effort to wallow in “old, useless “energy that has no more place in your life. Make some positive affirmations- "I am worthy, I am valuable, I am special, I am deserving, I am a divine creature, I am lovable, and I am OK"-and no matter how bad things seem, it could always be worse. Let  "I am writing my own legend", be your mantra. Don`t give away your power to anyone-if you have, then reclaim it. So bless all in your life-be it good  or bad and  be grateful for both, be grateful for all.  Go with the flow-go with where there is least resistance, for that is the right path-your “tao”.

You have missed the train for a good reason, but remember there is always an other one coming along-and this time it just maybe the “bullet train” and just image how great it will be. The possibilities are endless-just look around and see. And so it is.

  

Reason

The other day as I was watching the traffic a strange thought occurred to me, well not strange really but the truth about our reality. All the people around me, driving, walking talking within a hundred years from now, not one will be ever around. No one. Not one human being that is present now above 10 years of age will be here-well only a few of those also. Except the river by our house will still be flowing, and most of the old trees will still be around-they will all be there. We shall be no longer around-not even a memory of us, maybe a headstone in some cemetery. I don`t even want that at all-I see no reason to be remembered by a granite peace of stone that had outlived me. 

Yet, man is the mover and shaker of the planet, yet we are given the least amount of physical time to enjoy our life, by the time we could, we are dead cold. By the time we have acquired a tiny bit of wisdom; we die. Now-isn`t this just so unfair? Cruel? Ironic? Who could do this and why? And what is a hundred years anyway?  A  mere short line in a history book. What an awful thought, we are less than a speck of dust in the scheme of things.

We work so hard, we plan, we sweat, we strive, we stress-we love. We go through all kinds of grief and pain and in the end we are like a breath of air-poof and we are no more. So I wonder what it is all for? We say we believe in the afterlife, or reincarnation of other ideas that allow our mind some peace, for we cannot comprehend the fact or believe that we are mere mortal. We try so hard to force ourselves to believe-yet no matter how spiritual we are, how deep our faith is, there is always doubt. A question mark-for in reality no one really knows. No books will tell you, for they all have been written by man, no philosophy will guide you for that too is simply a viewpoint of man, no sacred script from the ancients to make one feel 100% sure. There just maybe nothing at all after this short life.

No one has the upper hand about life hereafter-we try and guess, try and understand , make up believable stories, relate our NDE experiences-but the stark truth is-we have no idea, and it does not bring us closer to the truth whatsoever. So, Dawkins just maybe right-there  maybe just nothing.Think about this-where you are today, how much you have lived and how much time you may have-the best estimation, and wonder at the "why", what is the reason for all? 

Do you wonder why people may try and escape the idea through various means like drugs, alcohol? I don`t it actually makes more sense than anything ever written in books, for it is the interpretation of our own mind. And the question arises-that if we have to go, is it better to go sooner or later?  Is it better to keep up the suffering and all the problems of life?  Or is it still better to enjoy and see the beauty of creation? Experience love and the joy of the moments-though it maybe very fleeting? I don`t know yet- but still there is that tiny thing that escaped from "Pandora`s box" in the end called "hope". Maybe, just maybe there is something- I do hope.

Ode to Joy

Everything that turns up in one`s life has a specific reason, a purpose, a goal at whatever time it appears. This is hard to face at times-but the wisdom of the body knows -the "why", it is never just a coincidence, but synchronicity. A need to manifest itself. So this evening was one of those times.

 Tonight we listened to a contemporary rock concert from Budapest, recorded at “The State Opera House”-the show is called “Rocktopia” on PBS. It was really a great show, but it didn`t make me feel good at all-it rather made me fall into the abyss of deep darkness. It contained so much stuff, that it was far too overwhelming –a total “spiritual avalanche” for my very being, where emotions and feelings just poured out of my mind.  It was a mixture of “classical” with “classical rock” music-and all brought back so many memories for me. Was it good ? Should have been. But no-actually-it made me rather sad and pensive about all of life, for each and every moment brought back something from my past-including a song that  my daughter had gifted me  on my 32^nd birthday, when she was just 10 years old.

All the memories came cascading back-like huge engulfing waves. Memories upon memories of thoughts from the past of the way things were, way things are, that have been filed away years ago, came crashing back onto me.  Painful reminders of how things were-people, places and events, that are no longer there, that no longer exist. The finality of life suddenly hit me with full force. Had I been watching alone, I would have turned off the TV after the first piece-but I bravely soldiered on without saying a word, in silence. My heart weeping tears of sadness, and still is, even now.

 I was always very fond of music. All kinds of music, from the latest to the classics. It has always been a major part of my life. But lately-well the past few years I have hardly listened to anything from my previous life. Well very little, just neutral things that have no emotional or sentimental ties. It is far too painful to listen to all the notes that have touched my soul-all tied to some memory. The thing is-that whether those times were happy or sad, it is very painful now. I just cannot listen to anything from my past these days.

 The only music I was listening the past few years was to was Leonard Cohen-but since he died, the music has died with him. I cannot even think of listening to him-I don`t think I ever shall. Death does this to me-in any form be that a death of a relationship, or the artist. Oh, what strange webs we weave-often entangle our very self within our own web. 

 So, I decided sometime ago to hide all the music that has touched me, that was part of me, all from sight.  Though I have added new ones to my “emotional repertory”-those from the present. These are still “okay”-they too will perhaps in time be shelved I am sure.

 This odd connection to music is rather a new phenomena for me-I have tried to analyze myself as to why I feel this way; but I have no answer.  Maybe it is a reflection of  getting older, or just getting old-whatever it is I just want it to pass me by. Beethoven`s “Ode to Joy” does not make me feel joyful at all these days-I so wish to drink from the waters of Lethe tonight. Yes, time to tap- "physician heal thyself".